186. Lover be strong, while I'm gone. And if you feel like falling, just hold on.

I'm waiting. I'm waiting, endlessly, for the past eternity of my life to fill up the gaping holes that someone had ripped out from my emotions. I've been hungering for so many things, and trying to patch myself back in so many different ways. I no longer look the same, and sometimes my eyebags seemed to have eaten my eyes out.

I don't really know who I am anymore. My mood swings are terrible, and I'm a different person every three hours. I rebel and do things I know I shouldn't do. I play around too much, and I'm so sick of trying to search for the true me when there are so many other things I could be.

I smile the same, and never look people in the eye when I speak. I notice too many things, but I never judge people on their first impressions. I feel inferior to myself, and know that I'm not what I think I am. Then who am I? And who am I supposed to be?

I don't know how to search for my true self. I don't know what to do to make myself less me then ever, because everything I have ever been has always been me. I don't know if I am destined to be searching for who I truly am, or know that this is who I will ever be.

I'm just lost and confused, and right at this utterly broken moment, wallowing in my self-pity. I don't laugh as much as I do, I don't know what the hell I'm doing pushing myself to do things I know I can never be.

For the past decade and more I've been anything but me.

But why am I waiting? Why the hell do I think that by waiting I could be something better, or mean anything more to anyone else?

Baffled, yes. In distraught, maybe.

Lost, completely.