It's a cold day , as everyday has been . The rain drummed down onto the window pane , hammering against the frail frosted glass . I'm stuck on the inside , looking at the droplets tear themselves from the sky , thinking and wishing upon all the little raindrops . I watch my breath fog up the glass , then dissipate in front of my eyes . Breathing in , out . A simple thing , yet I'm struggling at this moment , trying to catch my breath before the next round of air tumbles into my chest .I'm moving out of time , beating out of time . I feel my fingertips on the pane of the frosted glass , tapping gently , ever so silent and soft . My lips twinge up at the sides . Smiling ? When was the last time I smiled ? I don't remember , and right now , I dont want to care . It's nice . It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside , like someone just tucked me in at night and gave me milk and cookies . It's warm , and my eyes were blurring . Tears , just like those from the skies , rolling down the window like those down my cheeks . I don't bother swiping them away . I dont bother doing anything anymore .
My legs are shaking . I've been standing here for such a long time . I've been looking out the window before the sky was dark , before the sky started to cry . I was watching since it was still beautiful , and I could hear children's laughter and bird's calling out , smiling through their laughter . I'm trying to swallow it down , how much the world changes within a split second . Why the laughs disappear when the rain falls , why the birds fly away when the sky becomes dark .
If I wasn't confined within myself , I'd be out there , savouring the rain against my skin , and the wind blowing at my hair . I'd be feeling it run down my skin , raising my goosebumps , feeling it carry my thoughts across the plain , across the darkness in the sky , across the running streams and puddles , away from me . I was shivering in excitment , but my feet remained plastered onto the ground , and my fingertips glued onto the glass , confined still , within the shelter , within myself . I wasn't scared to dream . I'm scared to live it out .
I'm awake , but I'm not . I'm wandering , my eyes are open , to see , to dream . I'm not sleeping , it feels real , but I don't feel pain . Pain is my existance , whether or not I choose to open myself up , or close it all in . I was looking , beyond the glass pane , beyond the sky's tears , beyond my own . I lift up my foot gently , turning away from the glass towards a white wall . My feet are moving by themselves , step by step , inch by inch . The wall is whiter from close by , not warm , a cold garish white . My limbs are moving by themselves , so incontrollable .
I'm phasing through the wall, feeling a pressure against my chest , gently probing and proding . My breaths were short and light , the wall cold against my skin . The thin strip of white disappeared behind me . I'm still breathing , but there's no light , no air holes . In , out , in , out . I was surrouded in darkness and cold , no place to feel alive . I'm aching for a breath , aching for something that would make me feel real . It's dark , black . I'm stuck inside a wall . It's convulsing my chest , but before I could choke up , My fingers felt wind and I could smell the rish scent of flowers . I was stepping through to another world .
It is bright outside , the sun was same as ever , the brilliant shades of red and rich orange . The barks of trees , however , were orange and brown , a beautiful mix of earthly colours . The leaves were purple , the tips a fiery , vibrant red , billowing smoothly in the wind . The wind itself is so beautiful , the heart racing feeling of it blowing in curling circles , tumbling round after round in a smoky lavender . The grass , long and ticklish , are brushing past my waist , clinging softly onto my ankles . I'm walking into another world , a world unknown to me , or to anyone else for the matter . I'm creating this world , every blade of grass , every leaf from the trees , every wisp of wind . The world is me , it is my own .
I walk through the purple grass , feeling the blades grazing my feet . My neck is damp with sweat , and then the rain started to pour . It was so becoming , a great torrent of showers coming from the back . It is chasing me from hundreds of feet away , with it's thunderous ferocity , so dangerous and exciting . I throw my head back in laughter , trying to outrun the definite lining of rain that was advancing towards me . I ran , faster than I've ever ran before . Soon the rain took over me , drenching me in all of it's glory . I am no longer trapped in myself .
I'm free .
I savoured the word , finding shelter under a massive tree . I dropped to my knees and lay back , looking at the purple leaves shaking and shivering in the wind , beckoning me with their warm rustles and the droplets that fell on my face . I'm not cold . I'm not scared . I'm not lonely . I'm free , that's all I feel . The bark was empty and warm , a huge halo in the centre of the dying tree . I ran inside the trunk , feeling my jaws aching from my laughter . I touched each crease in the trunk , each line drawn from the inside , feeling it taking me in . I feel the pain it went through when people tried to cut it down , I feel the joy from all the blooms of the flowers , I feel the strong passion that swells in it's leaves , standing tall through the centuries without falling . I feel so much , my heart is swelling , a lump starting in my throat .
The hollow of the tree was warm , and I hugged myself , shaking with excitment and not of the cold from the rain and the wind . It was exhilarating , a free sensation I longed for . Rain ran down my face , little by little , the tiny droplet rolling and dripping onto the ground . The leaves inside here were golden and shiny , so beautiful , even when they were dry and shrivelled . I was happy , after so long , trapped in myself . Now that I'm trapped in my created world , I would gladly do anything to live out my life here forever , to see the purple leaves tumbling on the long strands of grass , the feel the smoky lavender wind whip past my hands , to feel no cold or pain , or just the sun's warmth on my skin .
I'm standing up , a light from the warm bark . It was glaring , but beautiful , a perfection , as everything in this place . I can hear the rustling of the golden leaves , willing me with their silent screams not to go , to linger a little longer , to discover all the little secrets hidden in this mysterious land . but I couldn't . The light was intriguing , attracting me bit by bit . My feet together , my shoulders hunched , I reach forward with my fingertips and touched the light , feeling it swell up and burst .
My head started to spin , and my world started to turned . My hair flew up and my breath was caught in my throat . The tornado of what was once my world was out of control , whipping up the stunning trees , swallowing the sun and it's golden yellow rays . The screaming cries of the leaves were drowned out by the rumbling and growling of the ever going tornado . I close my eyes . Don't look , don't see , waiting for this disaster to pass . But my ears were still open , and I hear the roots being yanked from the rich soiled ground , and the sun that , too , cried out for mercy . And soon , nothing . I'm waiting , for a sound to exist , for a merely rustle of a leaf . But , nothing . I opened my eyes .
I'm back , watching the rain pouring , watching it hammer against the window . My fingertips are placed just where they were at the bright light , feeling the cold run through under my skin . It is the same , my feet , my body . Everything is the same . I am cold and frail and fragile again . I no longer feel my vivacious arrogance , dancing away with the cloudy lavender wind . I am back , where pain was my existance , whether I choose to pour it all out , or close it all in .
And then my tears came , falling and falling forever .
Nicole (:
